Week 13

This is my last week of fall term, which means I am in finals land.  Lots of papers to write and things to finish up, but the payoff is several weeks off before I start my next batch of classes.  I probably won’t be updating this blog until mid January when the second half of my internship will begin.  In my down time,  I hope to take a few days to escape to one of my favorite little cabins in the woods and spend some time mentally, physically, and spiritually detoxing.  It had been a draining term, and I find that my brain is working at a much slower pace than it used to!

With the small amount of brain power I have left I have been thinking about family and how the are created and destroyed.  Two people in my life had babies this week.  One to a single mother struggling with feeling ashamed of having a child out of wedlock, and the other to a married couple who are just about as close to the all-American ideal you could imagine.  A baby from my church died, and an inmate I work with is waiting to become a parent in the near future and dealing with the reality of not being able to be with the baby.  I also know a family who wants to adopt and another couple who are accepting that children aren’t in their future.

I have noticed that the theme of family comes up frequently in the pastoral counseling I do at the prison.  Inmates often have a love-hate relationship with their family of origin and with the family they created as an adult.  Being ripped away from that can be a blessing and a curse.  Many inmates create families in the prison.  These relationships are often short lived and developmentally feel more like a young adolescent type of bond, but others are quite genuine and endure the many difficulties that come with an incarceration.

The thing that is striking is how strong the longing for a family is, and yet how little they know about healthy relationships.  Most of the people I counsel are in multiple relationships via pen pals, and many talk about being engaged to people they have never met because they live in another prison, or even in another state.  I have had to give up on trying to track these relationships because they are often so numerous and short lived that I can’t keep them straight.  Many inmates have had several failed marriages in both the legal and nonlegal sense.

People seem to be hard wired to need family.  This need contributes to the amazing amount of relationships between inmates and with inmates via pen-pals.  Sadly, very few people I work with have a relationship with someone on the outside.  If they had one when they became incarcerated  it didn’t last too long.  And yet there are many people on the outside willing to take up relationships with people serving time.  A quick google search found about a dozen websites set up for just this purpose.  Inmates have reported to me that they enjoy writing with pen pals because it helps pass the time, they hope to fall in love and get married, and because the person writing to them might gift them some money.

Research has shown that prisoners are mostly honest about their crimes.  They are less honest about their age and length of incarceration.  The more violent or sexually related their crime is the less honest they tend to be about it as well.

And yet the more violent the crime, and the more publicity it attracted, the more attention the prisoners get.  It somewhat boggles my mind, and I have watched several episodes of Prison Wives on Netflix to try and understand it better.  I think it all boils down to loneliness.  Inmates are surround by people, but not in an intimate way, so they are lonely and longing for companionship.  People on the outside who write to prisoners are often unfulfilled and living lives disconnected from family and friends.

I see this hunger for family when I am doing a pastoral counseling session.  It can be a difficult balance this need for family with the unhealthy relationship patterns that many of them have deeply established.  These patterns are so comfortable are like ruts in the road, they may not make for the smoothest ride, but it’s hard to get off the path and make a new one.

The first step is acknowledging that the need for family has lead to dysfunctional relationships and that they have led to suffering.  It’s hard to change what you don’t know is happening.  I got to watch an inmate come to this realization recently.  It was quite powerful.  I don’t know what this “ah-ha” moment will lead to, but I am grateful to be a witness to the beginning of something, whatever that may be.

My week of thinking about family ended on an up-note when I discovered that one of my chickens had hatched several new chicks.  The interesting thing about it is that they aren’t all her eggs that she has been laying on.  It’s a collection from several of my hens but none of the other ladies wanted to sit on them.  In fact, I don’t know if any of the eggs were hers!  It is fun to watch her maternal instincts kick in as she cares for her new chicks.  It shows that family is what you make of it, and that sometimes it comes in the most surprising ways.  

Week Eleven

If God doesn't give you more than you can handle, does that mean that he wanted my parents rape me when I was three?

If it is a sin to lie, then am I going to hell for not telling people the truth about my crime so that they won't beat me up or try to kill me?

If the Devil puts temptation in our thoughts, am I possessed for wanting to steal an orange that is going to be thrown away?

If everything happens for a reason, does that mean that its ok that my mom beat me every night and wouldn't let me eat dinner?

If the Bible tells me to honor my parents, do I have to be nice to the father that molested me and killed my mom?

If the Bible tells me to forgive all sins, do I have to forgive the family member that beat me and my sisters?

If I can't feel God's love for me, if my life has been total shit, does that mean that I have been evil since before I was born and God is punishing me for it?

            These are some of the questions that I am asked in my time as a chaplain.  I find it horribly sad that so many people have justified the abuse of children by tying it some form of religious doctrine.  Nearly everyone I talk to who brings up sexual abuse also brings up how religion was used in conjunction with the abuse.  It's heartbreaking.

            While my personal theology does not include a vengeful God who could ever condone such atrocities, it means nothing to the inmates I work with if I can't back it up Biblically.

            When I do pastoral counseling with an inmate, I must work in an interfaith capacity.o even though I have not studied the Bible in depth, I need to be able to work with it with an inmate.  After repeatedly being asked the types of questions listed above I realized that I needed Biblical examples of a child's worth and value, kind and loving parenting, and a God who loves beyond reason.

            I don’t have the answers yet.  I am also wondering if The Gentle Bible may be of some help.  The Gentle Bible was developed by Rev. Craig Rennebohm as a way to support people with mental illness who may be triggered by portions of the Bible.  He picked out a reading that “expresses the love of God, the tenderness and patience of God’s gentle presence” for each day of the year.  I love this idea, and think that it could be useful for many men and women who struggle with Biblical passages being used as propaganda to support the abuse they suffered.

            I borrowed several books from the chaplain who supervises me, and I have been putting lots of sticky notes in them to remind me of the intriguing parts!   I also asked my sister in law, who is a devoted Baptist and loving mother, if she could find me scriptural examples that I could share with the inmates.  She pointed me towards The Wounded Heart book and workbook by Dan Allander.  I look forward to reading through them when they arrive.

            I have only just begun to research this complicated topic.  I plan on continuing to blog about the issues of sexual abuse and Christian teachings as I work through them.  I am open to suggestions; so if you know of a Biblical passage or a book that may offer me some guidance, please let me know!

Let's suppose somebody abused you sexually. 

You still had a choice, though not a good one, 

about what to tell yourself about the abuse.

-Albert Ellis

Week Nine

I now have three standing “appointments” with inmates.  I am enjoying getting to know these inmates on a deeper level.  Often people come in for some simple advice, or to ask for a quick prayer, and I don’t get to see them again.  At most,  I may pass them in the hallway or wave to them as they enter a church service.  Having standing pastoral counseling sessions will allow me to go deeper with the inmates, and track their progress.

Every time I think I have gotten past the shock of learning someone’s crime I stand corrected.  It happened again this week when I decided to read the counselor reports on my newest standing appointment.  What I read gave me a jolt.  The crime, which I won’t divulge, is opposite to me belief system about how to care for other humans.

I am again left with trying to hold two very different things.  In one hand,  I have an inmate who is struggling to make sense of their faith in a difficult world.  I see someone who is working very hard at living a positive life and is pleasant to spend time with.

In my other hand,  I have their crime, and it is appalling.  It causes the mother in me to want to weep, and the Pagan in me feel angry that the sacredness of life could be treated so callously.

This is not an easy thing for me to manage, but I am learning that there is almost always a story that leads a person to try to get their needs met in a disastrous way.  Usually the inmates have come from an environment that did not protect their basic physiological, developmental, and/or psychological needs.

This neglect seems to make some people very vulnerable to seek out emotional regulation in antisocial manners.  Although, we all know people who have experienced similar levels of neglect who have to engaged in antisocial activity.  Why is this?  Why are some people more resilient and more aware of the needs of others?

I don’t have any answers to this or the dozens of other questions that spin through my mind each week.  For now, my eyes are open to the complexities of prison chaplaincy, my heart is open to all forms of sorrow, and my mind is aware of when they meet abruptly.

Reflections

I just returned from the AAPC NW Regional  Annual Fall Conference on Therapeutic Strategies in the Treatment of Adult Survivors of Incest & Child Abuse.  I learned so much that I don't know quite where to start!  

I'll share a brief reflection that came on the first evening. We had a meditation period where mainly Bible passages were read. After each reading we had some quite reflection time and then we sang "oh Lord come and save us".  I didn't care for this.  It clearly was not presented in an interfaith manner. I also do not feel like the Divine is my lord, but rather an advisor and companion. The Divine doesn't need to save me because I don't believe in sin. 

While everyone else was singing about their Lord, alternate words began to float through my mind. What follows is my recollection of them, to the best of my memory. 

     On your knees you crouched, hiding from the darkness, looking for the light.  She came like an angel but could not save you.  She held you instead and shared your pain, wept your tears, and ached for your heart.  Gladly would she have traded places with you if she could have, but she had no body to be abused, she had no innocence to be stolen.  All she had to offer is her loving presence and watchful eye.  She saw it all.  She saw the ugliness thrust upon you, and she saw the the untarnishable beauty of your soul.  In these moments of darkness she is called to you, shining like the bright face of the moon illuminating the night.