Week Eleven

If God doesn't give you more than you can handle, does that mean that he wanted my parents rape me when I was three?

If it is a sin to lie, then am I going to hell for not telling people the truth about my crime so that they won't beat me up or try to kill me?

If the Devil puts temptation in our thoughts, am I possessed for wanting to steal an orange that is going to be thrown away?

If everything happens for a reason, does that mean that its ok that my mom beat me every night and wouldn't let me eat dinner?

If the Bible tells me to honor my parents, do I have to be nice to the father that molested me and killed my mom?

If the Bible tells me to forgive all sins, do I have to forgive the family member that beat me and my sisters?

If I can't feel God's love for me, if my life has been total shit, does that mean that I have been evil since before I was born and God is punishing me for it?

            These are some of the questions that I am asked in my time as a chaplain.  I find it horribly sad that so many people have justified the abuse of children by tying it some form of religious doctrine.  Nearly everyone I talk to who brings up sexual abuse also brings up how religion was used in conjunction with the abuse.  It's heartbreaking.

            While my personal theology does not include a vengeful God who could ever condone such atrocities, it means nothing to the inmates I work with if I can't back it up Biblically.

            When I do pastoral counseling with an inmate, I must work in an interfaith capacity.o even though I have not studied the Bible in depth, I need to be able to work with it with an inmate.  After repeatedly being asked the types of questions listed above I realized that I needed Biblical examples of a child's worth and value, kind and loving parenting, and a God who loves beyond reason.

            I don’t have the answers yet.  I am also wondering if The Gentle Bible may be of some help.  The Gentle Bible was developed by Rev. Craig Rennebohm as a way to support people with mental illness who may be triggered by portions of the Bible.  He picked out a reading that “expresses the love of God, the tenderness and patience of God’s gentle presence” for each day of the year.  I love this idea, and think that it could be useful for many men and women who struggle with Biblical passages being used as propaganda to support the abuse they suffered.

            I borrowed several books from the chaplain who supervises me, and I have been putting lots of sticky notes in them to remind me of the intriguing parts!   I also asked my sister in law, who is a devoted Baptist and loving mother, if she could find me scriptural examples that I could share with the inmates.  She pointed me towards The Wounded Heart book and workbook by Dan Allander.  I look forward to reading through them when they arrive.

            I have only just begun to research this complicated topic.  I plan on continuing to blog about the issues of sexual abuse and Christian teachings as I work through them.  I am open to suggestions; so if you know of a Biblical passage or a book that may offer me some guidance, please let me know!

Let's suppose somebody abused you sexually. 

You still had a choice, though not a good one, 

about what to tell yourself about the abuse.

-Albert Ellis

Week Nine

I now have three standing “appointments” with inmates.  I am enjoying getting to know these inmates on a deeper level.  Often people come in for some simple advice, or to ask for a quick prayer, and I don’t get to see them again.  At most,  I may pass them in the hallway or wave to them as they enter a church service.  Having standing pastoral counseling sessions will allow me to go deeper with the inmates, and track their progress.

Every time I think I have gotten past the shock of learning someone’s crime I stand corrected.  It happened again this week when I decided to read the counselor reports on my newest standing appointment.  What I read gave me a jolt.  The crime, which I won’t divulge, is opposite to me belief system about how to care for other humans.

I am again left with trying to hold two very different things.  In one hand,  I have an inmate who is struggling to make sense of their faith in a difficult world.  I see someone who is working very hard at living a positive life and is pleasant to spend time with.

In my other hand,  I have their crime, and it is appalling.  It causes the mother in me to want to weep, and the Pagan in me feel angry that the sacredness of life could be treated so callously.

This is not an easy thing for me to manage, but I am learning that there is almost always a story that leads a person to try to get their needs met in a disastrous way.  Usually the inmates have come from an environment that did not protect their basic physiological, developmental, and/or psychological needs.

This neglect seems to make some people very vulnerable to seek out emotional regulation in antisocial manners.  Although, we all know people who have experienced similar levels of neglect who have to engaged in antisocial activity.  Why is this?  Why are some people more resilient and more aware of the needs of others?

I don’t have any answers to this or the dozens of other questions that spin through my mind each week.  For now, my eyes are open to the complexities of prison chaplaincy, my heart is open to all forms of sorrow, and my mind is aware of when they meet abruptly.

Reflections

I just returned from the AAPC NW Regional  Annual Fall Conference on Therapeutic Strategies in the Treatment of Adult Survivors of Incest & Child Abuse.  I learned so much that I don't know quite where to start!  

I'll share a brief reflection that came on the first evening. We had a meditation period where mainly Bible passages were read. After each reading we had some quite reflection time and then we sang "oh Lord come and save us".  I didn't care for this.  It clearly was not presented in an interfaith manner. I also do not feel like the Divine is my lord, but rather an advisor and companion. The Divine doesn't need to save me because I don't believe in sin. 

While everyone else was singing about their Lord, alternate words began to float through my mind. What follows is my recollection of them, to the best of my memory. 

     On your knees you crouched, hiding from the darkness, looking for the light.  She came like an angel but could not save you.  She held you instead and shared your pain, wept your tears, and ached for your heart.  Gladly would she have traded places with you if she could have, but she had no body to be abused, she had no innocence to be stolen.  All she had to offer is her loving presence and watchful eye.  She saw it all.  She saw the ugliness thrust upon you, and she saw the the untarnishable beauty of your soul.  In these moments of darkness she is called to you, shining like the bright face of the moon illuminating the night.