Week 19

             Today I had nine people who asked to speak with me, one welfare phone call to make, and a group of volunteers from a Russian Orthodox church to escort into the prison.  It was a busy day!  I have a three hour time window to see people in the morning and another four hours in the afternoon.   It can get tricky to fit everyone in, and there is always time lost trying to find inmates and waiting for them to (maybe) show up. 

            One of the inmates wanted to see me to talk about the anniversary stresses that they had been trying to cope with.  For the first time,  the inmate opened up and talked about their crime.  It had been something we had danced around in our biweekly meetings.  I think it was good to get the crime out into the open so that the inmate could see that I wasn’t going to abandon or reject them as they feared.  Guilt and punishment by God is a continual theme for this inmate.  While remorse and responsibility are an important part of rehabilitation, self-flagellation is not a motivating skill, and I am trying to steer this inmate away from it. 

            I also was asked to speak with an inmate that I do not enjoy working with.  This inmate is in jail for a sexual crime, and I suspect that they make up things to talk to me about.  The Freudian part of my mind finds that in of itself to be interesting!  Why does this inmate find it necessary to make up or embellish stories in order to speak with me?  Do they not feel worthy of spending time in a chaplain’s presence?  Do they enjoy presenting a false face and manipulating others?  Is it an example of possible cognitive delays that have gone on diagnosed?  It could be all of that, or none of that, but since I can’t know for sure I will just keep offering the ministry of presence to the best of my abilities. 

            I also got to speak with an inmate who is on solitary confinement.  This was an interesting experience because I have spent very little time in this section of the prison.   While I was counseling this inmate who was in the midst of processing a tragic death in the family, other inmates began to scream and call out in distress.  When one would yell another would yell back.  Sometimes I could barely hear the person I was trying to talk to.  The pain in the voices was audible, and one person called out that they had been “back here” for four years.  Then someone shouted that the chaplain was back here, and everyone got quite.   I could hear a few apologies being said.

While I do believe that solitary confinement is necessary for some violent and predatory inmates, it has been fairly clearly established that it can cause an exacerbation of mental health problems and worsen behavioral acting out.  

            Solitary confinement (what the inmates I work with call “the hole”) is not used extensively in the prison I work with, but there are prisons in other states that only use this form of isolation liberally to deal with disciplinary issues.  Some prisons only have solitary confinement as an option, although sometimes two inmates will share a cell.  I suspect that it is favorable in some institutions because staffing is reduced when inmates are not interacting with each other.  

            This form of isolation is inhumane and illogical.  Humans are social creatures who like to live in herd like formations.  It is unnatural for most of us to live without human companionship in some form.  It is also does not make any logical sense that by locking people up, and having them completely alone for twenty three hours a day, that we would be helping them in any way be better prepared to live a prosocial life in the outer communities.  

            National Geographic made a documentary called Solitary Confinement that is available to view on Netflix.  It clearly demonstrates the devastating effects of solitary confinement and the way that it affects the mental health of people who have to endure it.  I highly recommend that anyone concerned with the welfare of incarcerated adults view this documentary. 

Week 18

Imbolc

            I am sitting near a window that overlooks my snow covered backyard.  It’s been snowing for the past several days and so it seems like I won’t be able to make it to the prison tomorrow as I had planned.  The plan was to have a special Imbolc ritual a week late, but I guess it can be two weeks late and still be lovely! 

            Imbolc is the second winter holidays that many Pagans celebrate.  It is a time to celebrate the much beloved Goddess Brigit, the cows and sheep that are giving birth and coming into milk, the mystery of returning son, and the continuation of the long winter days.  It feels appropriate right now as I try to make up meals from my increasingly small stock of supplies since I can’t make it into the stores. 

            It can also be a time to look forward to spring and think about the things that you wish to manifest in your life.  For Imbolc in the prison,  we are going to dedicate ourselves to some sort of pursuit for the next year.  Some of the inmates may want to dedicate themselves as a Pagan or a witch while others may want to dedicate themselves to working with a certain deity or a personal challenge. 

            To begin our ritual we will have a brief check in and then chant Earth My Body as we do every time we meet.  Then we will arrange ourselves around a small plastic cauldron that I have filled with red and yellow tissue paper to make it look like a fire.  We will sit on cushions on the floor and make a circle around ourselves with a small amount of salt.  We will call the corners and use moss, feathers, small cups of water, and apache tears (obsidian) to stand in for the elements. 

            We will then sink into a space of mediation before taking turns sharing our dedication with the group.  I wrote out a simple dedication for inmates who wanted to use it, but many are wonderful writers and will likely create their own person dedications.

I, (name), daughter of (name),

do dedicate myself to walk the path of (intentions) for one year and a day.

I dedicate my energies, my heart, my spirit,

and my mind to following the path of (intentions).

This is now my center.  If I stray, this is where I will come back.

In times of darkness, I will lean on (intentions) to support me.

In times of great joy I will give thanks to (intentions) for blessing me.

In times of stillness and great activity, I will carry (intentions) in my heart.

I will strive to be the best model of (intentions),

so that this blessing can be shared with the wider world.

Blessed Be.

            When everyone has time to share we will bless ourselves with water.  I hope to be able to bring in some floral water to use for the blessing.  If not, maybe a bit of unsweetened tea would do!

• ·      Anointing the forehead:  I bless my mind so that it may see clearly the path to my greatest good.
• 
  
• ·      Anointing the heart:  I bless my heart that it may help me find the love I need for others and myself as I dedicate myself to my path.
• 
  
• ·      Anointing the backs of the hands:  I bless my hands so that they may help me do the work that is needed as I journey on my path. 
• 
  
• ·      Anointing the stomach:  I bless my gut so that my inner wisdom can shine light onto my pathway when times are dark. 
• 
  
• ·      Anointing the feet:  I bless my feet so that may carry me as far as I need to travel as I walk along my path.
• 
  
• ·      Rubbing the water between the hands and over the whole body:  I dedicate my body, mind, and spirit to the pursuit of this noble path.  
• 
  
• ·      Blessed Be! 

            Next we will put on some music and will lead the women in a spiral dance around the room.  After that, we will have time for cakes and ale (usually cookies and juice) and some brief chatting before we return to our circles and release the elements. 

            I am excited to perform this ritual alongside the inmates, but I don’t want to risk my safety by traveling before the roads are clear and free of snow and ice!  Perhaps we will get an Imbolc miracle and the weather will warm up enough to allow us to celebrate tomorrow, but whenever it happens it should be lovely. 

Week 17

            You may recall that a few weeks ago I posted that I had messed up with an inmate I was working with and allowed them to try to call someone that they were restricted from contacting.  I felt really bad about the situation and wrote to the inmate to let them know that I wasn’t happy that they had used me to get around the rules and restriction of the correctional facility.  I let the inmate know that I would be happy to talk to the inmate about any concerns they have over the welfare of their child.

            A few days later I received a return letter from the inmate asking to speak with me and explain the situation.  I was able to call the inmate in, and we did speak about the legalities of contacting the other parent.  As we talked I realized that the inmate believed, or wanted me to believe, that they were innocent of the child sexual abuse charges.  I asked how they got to be in prison if they were not guilty and a long story came involving their own sexual abuse history, post traumatic stress disorder, and lie detector tests.  

            If the story I was told is true, then it is incredibly tragic that this person is serving time in prison.  I can see how it might have happened, but my built in bullshit detector was going off as I listened.  It got me thinking about lying in counseling settings.  One of the inmates that I meet with regularly recently apologized to me for a lie that they had told me for past several months.  Another is racked with guilt about lying about their crime to the other inmates so that they won’t be hurt.  Interestingly, all three are serving time for crimes against children.

            Why would inmates choose to lie to their chaplain or pastoral counselor?  Jeffery Kottlersuggests that people lie to counselors in order to avoid shame, disappointing the counselor, don’t understand how counseling works, or are living in a reality of their own making.  I would add that some people lie in order to manipulate their counselor and fulfill a need for self perceived grandiosity.     

            Lying in counseling is such a tricky thing.  It can certainly slow down therapy if the client is honest about what is going on in their head.  While many lies are actually omissions, they do delay or alter the therapeutic process.  Karen Kleimen expressed it well in an article in Psychology Today.

People in therapy lie about all kinds of things. It can feel like another form of self-preservation, but it is a huge impediment. It is at best, a distraction and at worst, a manipulative deception that will prolong your pain. Lies of omission will either drastically postpone valuable therapeutic work or it can totally derail the process. 

            In a blog post, therapist CindyBlank-Edelman writes about the way that she approaches the issue lying with her clients.  Blank-Edelman takes a compassionate approach and lets clients know that if they feel like they need to lie to her that she is OK with wit.  She says, “In my opinion, if clients are lying to me then it points to a major challenge they face in their lives. For whatever reason, they feel like they can’t be honest about who they are.” 

            This may be true in the case of the inmate who sexually abused their child.  It could be that the pain of acknowledging sexually violating their own child is too much to bare at this time.  If that is the case, then I don’t see how this inmate can heal their own traumas and manage to move forward as someone who won’t become a repeat offender.  

            I’ve been wondering if knowing an inmate is lying to me should change the way that I respond to them.  Does someone who lies, perhaps in elaborate ways, revoke their right to a certain level of compassionate care?  It doesn’t seem like they are, but I also realize that I can set a limit to what I am willing to listen to.   In my work as a correctional facility chaplain,  it is important that I keep my focus on promoting prosocial skills and behaviors in the people I work with.  Because of this I feel like the issue of lying takes on a larger importance.

            There are generally thought to be four types of lies.  White lies that are to spare another’s feelings, beneficial lies that are necessary for the greater good, deceptive lies that are told to hurt other people, and deceptive lies that either a creation of false information or withholding of information that is useful to others.  In the case of the inmate who apologized for the lie that they had been sharing with me in counseling, the lie would fall under the deceptive lie.  The inmate who wanted me to help them make the inappropriate phone call may also have been telling me a deceptive lie. 

            It’s a bit of an odd situation to not know for sure, but for now I will assume that if it was a lie, that it came from a place of deep emotional fear and damage, and should be held gently while the underlying problem is addressed.  Perhaps in time the truth can come forward.  I will also question things that don’t make sense and when I hear inconsistencies in the story. 

            It should be pointed out that most of the people I work with do not come in and lie to me.  Many come to see a chaplain because they are in real pain and need someone to share it with and perhaps hold some of it to help them cope.  I am very happy to help people in these times, and if a lie slips into this time together, it likely doesn’t affect the quality of our interaction.

The trouble with lying and deceiving

is that their efficiency depends entirely upon

 a clear notion of the truth that the liar and deceiver wishes to hide.

-Hannah Arendt

Sources:

http://theunboundedspirit.com/types-of-lies-and-liars/

http://blank-edelman.com/blog/2012/06/secrets-and-lies-in-therapy/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201302/lying-in-therapy

http://www.psychotherapy.net/article/jeffrey-kottler-psychotherapy

Week 16

Weddings

            As I start the second half of my internship, I am aware of how much different this terms feels from my first.  I feel far more comfortable in my role as a chaplain.  I realized that I now know just which key to use for which door and how to actually find (most) of what I need on my computer!  I also don’t have to ask for help as much from my supervisor, but there are still all sorts of rules that I am not clear on.  I try to keep a draft e-mail open to jot down things I am unclear on so that I can send her just one e-mail a day! 

            I have also been thinking a lot about marriage.  It is wedding season here at the prison.  Weddings only happen once in the spring and once in the fall, so my box is filling up with people who want to talk about marrying the love of their life- or the person they just met a few weeks ago via the mail.  Ironically, I am planning my own summer wedding, so no matter where I am, marriage vows and wedding bells are on my mind.

            What does a prison wedding look like anyway?  Well, in my institution the inmate is not allowed to dress up at all.  Normal clothes must be worn, and rings are not exchanged at this point.  Rings can be sent in at a later date.   Visitors can dress up if it abides by the strict dress code policy.  We may have two inmates who are getting married, or we may have one inmate marrying someone from the outside.  Either way, two approved witnesses need to be available, and the inmate needs to find someone to officiate to do the ceremony.  Chaplains who work at the prison are not allowed to legally witness or perform any weddings at the prison.  The cost to hire someone is around $70 plus the same for the marriage license.  The cost can be prohibitive as can the requirement to find two witnesses.  Some people I work with don’t know anyone who can, or would, come and witness their marriage. 

            Laws vary state to state.  Texas recently ended all proxy marriages (marriages where one person isn’t present at the time of the wedding) and does not allow marriages to happen on site.  This means no inmates in Texas can get married.  Perhaps for good reason.   Audrey Arthur cited many examples of inmates marrying civilians in order for the civilian to gain access to money and life insurance policies. 

            Only three states in America allow marriage by proxy:  California, Colorado, and Montana.  Montana will even allow a double proxy marriage!  Now imagine that for a moment.  Two people who have never met in person can legally marry each other in the state of Montana.  Is that really going to promote a healthy relationship?  I’m not saying that it can’t happen, just that it seems unlikely.

            There may be an upside to marriages that happen behind bars.  “Although it gets them no special privileges, married inmates are considered a boon to the correctional system. Marriage gives them a stake in something on the outside, a reason to behave, finish their time and move on (Brown, 2011).  I have found that every inmate who has hopes of getting out of prison needs something to focus on to make it through the incredible, and dehumanizing, daily struggles of prison life.  If getting married will help someone find hope, and perhaps love for themselves, than it is something to be celebrated by all parties.

            Some people feel like getting married is a privilege and not a right, and that when someone commits a crime they are for fitting many rights, including marriage.  Last fall two male prisoners in an unnamed state were married in a Pagan ceremony.  This received a bit of attention when a blogger on pathos.com ran a hate filled commentary on it.  I am including the link here, but I want to warn my readers that this article can be very triggering for people since it describes the sexual crimes that the men are serving time for.  Gay Pagan Sex Offenders to Wed in Prison.  

I posted a reply to the article:

 

While I do not condone sexual crimes of any sort, I am quite concerned with the hateful tone of this Patheos post. It sounds as if Mr. McDonald feels that he is able to decide who should be afforded what rights in our country. Mr. McDonald are you prepared to be such a moral beacon for the US? It is quite a large job.

Yes, the crimes both inmates committed are appalling, but no, that doesn’t make them inhuman. In our country,  we hold the belief that all humans should be treated equally, and that means that we need to allow people convicted of horrible crimes of pursuing their own path to peace.

And whom does it hurt for these two inmates to marry? Will it injure their victims further? Will it force people in committed relationships to abandon their partners? Will it convince other young men to become pedophiles and so that they can enter the glamorous life of living in a correctional institution? Will it sway good Christians from abandoning their faith and join a Pagan coven? Unlikely.

It was a simple ceremony between two consenting adults. The media attention that Mr. McDonald and others helped it achieve may have been what is wrong with this situation. It could be that the two inmates can get a thrill from making other people uncomfortable, and that by bringing up this case that that has been perpetuated.

 

            I think that sums up my views on weddings behind bars pretty well!

Further Exploration:

An interesting article that gives the reader a glimpse into the realities of marrying someone who is serving time in a correctional facility.  http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-12-21/news/ct-x-1221-prison-wives-20111221_1_prison-marriages-melissa-sanders-rivera-stateville-correctional-center

A short-lived series about life married to someone in prison.  http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/70211628?strkid=1426959376_1_0&trkid=222336&movieid=70211628

An Oprah episode about prison marriages.  http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Prison-Weddings/5