Week 21

My boobs are just too much for the inmates to take.  

Or so I was made to feel by the officer who screened me before I went into the prison last night.  I was wearing my standard black t-shirt with a scoop neck.  I wear shirts like this so often that it is practically my personal uniform.  I was also wearing one of the annoying sports bras that I have to wear or else I will set of the metal detector alarm system.  The clasp of a traditional bra is too much metal for it.  Even one of those shoulder adjuster straps sets it off.  I can't stand sports bras, and I think they actually accentuate my cleavage as they push my ample bosoms into one giant cleavage lump with a noticeable cleft.  

You might be thinking, OK Holly, you have a giant rack (42DD to be exact), but what does that have to do with Pagan prison chaplaincy?  Good question.  The experience of being asked to "cover up my cleavage" taught me a few things about prison life.

1.  Being told what to do can make you want to do the exact opposite.  I had to hold myself back from yanking my neckline lower.  If she had said "your shirt might be a little short tonight, keep an eye on the neckline" I don't think it would have annoyed me as much.

2.  Prison has no room for feminism and promotes rape culture.  That may be a bit of an overstatement, but consider this, my physical body is seen as a threat to the prison environment.  Female volunteers and employees are encouraged to wear no makeup or jewellery.  Form fitting clothing is forbidden.  The mere whiff of my femininity is enough to promote violence against myself.  While the dangers of working in a prison setting are very real, the blame of sexual violence needs to be put squarely on the person who is committing the crime.  

3.  Inmates are stripped of their sexuality.  I have heard this numerous times from the inmates I work with, but last night as we sat in a circle I took a hard look at their clothing.  Baggy jeans no matter what your body size.  Clunky shoes.  Oversized sweatshirts and t-shirts that are loose and come up to the neckline.  The only part of the body that can be shown is the lower arm, hands, neck, and head.  Shorts are allowed but only on the units and not in the chapel.  Playboy/girl and 50 Shades of Grey are allowed to be sent in, but consensual sex is not allowed.  Everyone is asked to live a celibate life.  

4.  I was struck by the power imbalance in the prison.  It was one of those moments that I really wanted to speak up for mysef and defend my right to show an inch of cleavage, but I knew that if I did I would not only not get into the prison tonight, but that I could be banned for future visits.  It reminded me that inmates live with this every day.  If an inmate has a personality clash with an officer they are unlikely to be able to speak up for themselves without receiving a punishment of some sort.  Sometimes this may actually be a positive thing for an inmate.  Some inmates have never learned to follow any of societies laws or moral codes.  They may need some harsh reality checks that they can't do or say anything they want.  For others,  it just reinforces learned helplessness and that the system doesn't care for them at all.  I feel depressed just thinking of living in this energetic place. 

I can't change any of these things, but I can help create a space where people can get in touch with their authentic source of power and feminine or/and masculine energy.  I can acknowledge the difficulties that they face, let them know that I agree that they suck, and then try to help them find a way to live in a positivity while in the midst of a system that doesn't want them to actualise themselves in all facets of life.  

I hope that you enjoy the SoulCollage® card that I made and placed at the top of this post.  I call it Judgment and would love to hear what YOU see in this card.  What do you think the woman in her undergarments has to say?  What do the women behind her have to say?  

In closing, I will leave with this song, which I think pretty well sums up what I wanted to say to the officer last night but wasn't able to.  

Blessings, 

Holly

Week 19

             Today I had nine people who asked to speak with me, one welfare phone call to make, and a group of volunteers from a Russian Orthodox church to escort into the prison.  It was a busy day!  I have a three hour time window to see people in the morning and another four hours in the afternoon.   It can get tricky to fit everyone in, and there is always time lost trying to find inmates and waiting for them to (maybe) show up. 

            One of the inmates wanted to see me to talk about the anniversary stresses that they had been trying to cope with.  For the first time,  the inmate opened up and talked about their crime.  It had been something we had danced around in our biweekly meetings.  I think it was good to get the crime out into the open so that the inmate could see that I wasn’t going to abandon or reject them as they feared.  Guilt and punishment by God is a continual theme for this inmate.  While remorse and responsibility are an important part of rehabilitation, self-flagellation is not a motivating skill, and I am trying to steer this inmate away from it. 

            I also was asked to speak with an inmate that I do not enjoy working with.  This inmate is in jail for a sexual crime, and I suspect that they make up things to talk to me about.  The Freudian part of my mind finds that in of itself to be interesting!  Why does this inmate find it necessary to make up or embellish stories in order to speak with me?  Do they not feel worthy of spending time in a chaplain’s presence?  Do they enjoy presenting a false face and manipulating others?  Is it an example of possible cognitive delays that have gone on diagnosed?  It could be all of that, or none of that, but since I can’t know for sure I will just keep offering the ministry of presence to the best of my abilities. 

            I also got to speak with an inmate who is on solitary confinement.  This was an interesting experience because I have spent very little time in this section of the prison.   While I was counseling this inmate who was in the midst of processing a tragic death in the family, other inmates began to scream and call out in distress.  When one would yell another would yell back.  Sometimes I could barely hear the person I was trying to talk to.  The pain in the voices was audible, and one person called out that they had been “back here” for four years.  Then someone shouted that the chaplain was back here, and everyone got quite.   I could hear a few apologies being said.

While I do believe that solitary confinement is necessary for some violent and predatory inmates, it has been fairly clearly established that it can cause an exacerbation of mental health problems and worsen behavioral acting out.  

            Solitary confinement (what the inmates I work with call “the hole”) is not used extensively in the prison I work with, but there are prisons in other states that only use this form of isolation liberally to deal with disciplinary issues.  Some prisons only have solitary confinement as an option, although sometimes two inmates will share a cell.  I suspect that it is favorable in some institutions because staffing is reduced when inmates are not interacting with each other.  

            This form of isolation is inhumane and illogical.  Humans are social creatures who like to live in herd like formations.  It is unnatural for most of us to live without human companionship in some form.  It is also does not make any logical sense that by locking people up, and having them completely alone for twenty three hours a day, that we would be helping them in any way be better prepared to live a prosocial life in the outer communities.  

            National Geographic made a documentary called Solitary Confinement that is available to view on Netflix.  It clearly demonstrates the devastating effects of solitary confinement and the way that it affects the mental health of people who have to endure it.  I highly recommend that anyone concerned with the welfare of incarcerated adults view this documentary. 

Week Ten

Last weekend I took my children to the coast for a bit of fun and relaxation.  The wildness of the coastal waters is incredibly soothing to me. Digging my toes into the cold damp sand grounds my energy and quiets my mind.  The multisensory experience of being at the coast is very special to me.  If I had to live in a prison I would miss it desperately.

A few months ago I did a special ocean themed service with the Pagan circle.  The first thing we did was a fun meditation from the book Sandra Kynes Sea Magic: Connecting with the Ocean's Energy.  I read the meditation to them while we listened to a recording of the oceans waves.  The meditation was about how to find your sea fetch, which is basically an ocean themed animal guide.  The interesting thing was that no one saw the type of animal they were expecting.  It lead to some great conversations.

After that we chanted We All Come From The Goddess by Z. Buddapest while holding small seashells.  Although the shells were very small, the inmates found that they could still hear a bit of the ocean if they held them up to their ears.

We all come from the Goddess,

And to her we shall return.

Like a drop of rain,

Flowing to the ocean.

Lastly we talked about the ways that people living in a limited setting such as a prison can connect with the energies of the ocean.  As we chatted we snacked on pieces of roasted and seasoned seaweed.  The inmate’s reaction to the seaweed was pretty amusing.  Some were very hesitant to try it, while others dove right in.  Most of them delighted in having a totally different taste sensation to explore.

Volunteering in a correctional facility has opened my eyes to the simple blessings of my life, and I enjoy being near the ocean more than I ever have before.