My boobs are just too much for the inmates to take.
Or so I was made to feel by the officer who screened me before I went into the prison last night. I was wearing my standard black t-shirt with a scoop neck. I wear shirts like this so often that it is practically my personal uniform. I was also wearing one of the annoying sports bras that I have to wear or else I will set of the metal detector alarm system. The clasp of a traditional bra is too much metal for it. Even one of those shoulder adjuster straps sets it off. I can't stand sports bras, and I think they actually accentuate my cleavage as they push my ample bosoms into one giant cleavage lump with a noticeable cleft.
You might be thinking, OK Holly, you have a giant rack (42DD to be exact), but what does that have to do with Pagan prison chaplaincy? Good question. The experience of being asked to "cover up my cleavage" taught me a few things about prison life.
1. Being told what to do can make you want to do the exact opposite. I had to hold myself back from yanking my neckline lower. If she had said "your shirt might be a little short tonight, keep an eye on the neckline" I don't think it would have annoyed me as much.
2. Prison has no room for feminism and promotes rape culture. That may be a bit of an overstatement, but consider this, my physical body is seen as a threat to the prison environment. Female volunteers and employees are encouraged to wear no makeup or jewellery. Form fitting clothing is forbidden. The mere whiff of my femininity is enough to promote violence against myself. While the dangers of working in a prison setting are very real, the blame of sexual violence needs to be put squarely on the person who is committing the crime.
3. Inmates are stripped of their sexuality. I have heard this numerous times from the inmates I work with, but last night as we sat in a circle I took a hard look at their clothing. Baggy jeans no matter what your body size. Clunky shoes. Oversized sweatshirts and t-shirts that are loose and come up to the neckline. The only part of the body that can be shown is the lower arm, hands, neck, and head. Shorts are allowed but only on the units and not in the chapel. Playboy/girl and 50 Shades of Grey are allowed to be sent in, but consensual sex is not allowed. Everyone is asked to live a celibate life.
4. I was struck by the power imbalance in the prison. It was one of those moments that I really wanted to speak up for mysef and defend my right to show an inch of cleavage, but I knew that if I did I would not only not get into the prison tonight, but that I could be banned for future visits. It reminded me that inmates live with this every day. If an inmate has a personality clash with an officer they are unlikely to be able to speak up for themselves without receiving a punishment of some sort. Sometimes this may actually be a positive thing for an inmate. Some inmates have never learned to follow any of societies laws or moral codes. They may need some harsh reality checks that they can't do or say anything they want. For others, it just reinforces learned helplessness and that the system doesn't care for them at all. I feel depressed just thinking of living in this energetic place.
I can't change any of these things, but I can help create a space where people can get in touch with their authentic source of power and feminine or/and masculine energy. I can acknowledge the difficulties that they face, let them know that I agree that they suck, and then try to help them find a way to live in a positivity while in the midst of a system that doesn't want them to actualise themselves in all facets of life.
I hope that you enjoy the SoulCollage® card that I made and placed at the top of this post. I call it Judgment and would love to hear what YOU see in this card. What do you think the woman in her undergarments has to say? What do the women behind her have to say?
In closing, I will leave with this song, which I think pretty well sums up what I wanted to say to the officer last night but wasn't able to.
Blessings,
Holly
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